im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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