this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I believe in your delicious
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
