Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
