WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
