This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
