I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
