I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
