You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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