Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
