i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
