chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
