Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
