Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
