If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
