My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
