She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Life is so much better after having sex.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
