i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
