i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
