i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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