Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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