I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
