DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
