Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
