you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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