this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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