I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We are two peas in an std pod
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
