we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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