My Higher Power is John Stamos
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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