The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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