apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
