On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
