I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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