what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
smell my finger.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
What a dumb baby whore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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