last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
