i need an iv and a liver transplant
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
