You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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