We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
