my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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