oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
