can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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