Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
