Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize