it's not cheating when I paid for it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
