I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just high enough for therapy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
