If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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