the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
