i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
