I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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