I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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