I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You need a sexual gate keeper
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
