I cannot find my penis.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
