i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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