I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
