half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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