is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
