I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
