Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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