i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
