i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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