No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
