My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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