i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
