I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
