I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
